Yulia Putintseva & Why Being Mean is a Loser’s Game

Leveraging your behavior to succeed when things aren't going your way

Jan 02, 2025

Yulia Putintseva had just lost her first round against Jasmine Paolini at the 2024 US Open Tennis Championships. With each lost point, she grew increasingly frustrated.

As the match progressed through the second round, Putintseva was eventually down 4-2. Knowing that if she lost this round she’d lose the match, the pressure started to boil over. At that moment, a ballgirl approached with 3 balls in hand. She threw the first ball. Putintseva didn’t react. The ball bounced and hit her torso. Then came the second. Again, no reaction as the ball hit Putintseva’s foot. Then unsympathetically she caught the third, and lazily picked up the other 2 balls. The crowd was now booing.

Putintseva went on to lose the round, and the game, 6-3, 6-4.

Did this incident with the ballgirl cause her to lose the match? What can we learn about leveraging our behavior to succeed?

When Things Go Wrong, Be Extra Strong

At the Australian Open in 2020, Rafael Nadal took on Federico Delbonis. Whoever won this match would move onto the quarterfinals. Both players had high hopes of reaching the finals for a shot at winning the Australian Open title. On the third set while countering a strong serve from Delbonis, Nadal accidentally returned the ball directly into the face of a 13 year-old ballgirl waiting on the sidelines.

How did Nadal react? He immediately went to check on her.

He could have gotten angry. He could have thrown his hands in the air and thought, ‘Now I have to deal with this, it’s going to throw off my game!’. But he didn’t.

What makes this incident different from Putintseva’s? And why was being extra kind in that moment so important?

Because it can give an edge through positive feedback loops.

Look at what happens in Nadal’s situation. As he checks up on the girl, he’s got a big smile. The crowd cheers, and the girl shakes off the shock of the impact and smiles back. Even the commentators are cracking up. It’s a heartwarming moment for everyone.

Altruistic behavior stimulates dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin production in the brain, all of which improve mood, stress and motivation. So imagine how Nadal must have felt then and there. With these chemicals coursing through his system, he would have felt quite amazing. Maybe it provided the boost he needed, as he went on to win the match.

On the other hand, being upset can lead feedback loops to work against you.

Putintseva was frustrated at losing the first round and being behind on the second. So she (maybe unintentionally) acted mean to the ballgirl. The ballgirl reacted by keeping her arms open in a ‘what did I do?’ pose, while the crowd booed in the background. Those events might have had an impact on her, which could have led her to feel worse and perform worse.

Even in a separate match against Elena Rybakina in Madrid, Putintseva exhibited the same type of negative behavior. Although at times she was ahead, she got visibly angry after losing a point. She shook her racket in the air, hit the dirt and even hit herself, causing bruises to appear on her leg.

What were the results of that match? Another loss.

How did she take it? She smashed her racket on the floor...

In an interview with her opponent, Rybakina described how she used that to her advantage:

‘‘It was not easy to keep coming back and pushing through, but at 5-2, I already left all the emotions and frustrations to just keep playing. The momentum shifted, Yulia started to be a little bit more angry and some mistakes helped me. I'm really happy."

Her anger was an advantage to her opponent. It played a role in her loss.

Losing is difficult for a reason. It’s a mechanism to help push you forward. But if you don’t react in the right way, it can have the opposite effect. When something goes wrong and anger creeps in, the worst thing you can do is to give into those feelings. If you do, you’ll hurt the people around you. In turn, they will slowly but surely stop listening to you, do worse work, ignore you when they see you’re in a bad mood, will avoid delivering bad news and overall lose respect. You’ll be caught in a loop that will lead you to your own failure.

In those moments, no matter how hard it is, try to be strong. The best thing you can do is to behave in the opposite way that you feel. Be as kind and helpful as possible. Acting kindly motivates the people around you, which then motivates you. That might be enough to completely turn your mood around. The better you feel and the better you act, the more you’ll propel yourself and others in an upwards spiral.

Owning Up to Your Mistakes

Making mistakes is normal. Everyone screws up. No matter how good your intentions might be, sometimes you’re overwhelmed and emotions take over. But if you do make a mistake, it’s up to you to own up to it and repair the damage.

Following the match, Putintseva posted an apology on her Instagram:

‘‘I want to apologize to the ball girl for the way I was, when she way giving me the balls. Honestly speaking it was not about her. I was really pissed at my self by not winning the game from the breakpoint and then got empty with my emotions and deep in my thoughts, that I was not even focusing on whats going on and who gives me the ball. All the ball kids was doing amazing as always at the open”

What are you first impressions? Is she being genuine? Do you feel like forgiving her?

Although we can give her some credit for apologizing, to me it feels more like she’s giving excuses rather than a genuine apology. In fact, a lot of people in the comments see it as a PR stunt to help protect her image.

Unfortunately Putintseva’s is such a common type of apology: one that lacks real ownership and tries to deflect actions.

‘‘It was not about her.’’

‘‘I was really pissed at my self.’’

‘‘I was not even focusing on whats going on and who gives me the ball.’’

Rather than saying ‘‘What I did was wrong, no matter what’’, she’s trying to justify her behavior. In a way she’s saying that her actions don’t matter because they were not directed at the girl and she was emotional from losing. But just because you did not intentionally harm someone or that you were emotional during the moment does not absolve you of your actions.

After her initial apology caused additional online criticism, she doubled down on her position with another Instagram post:

‘‘I was not trying to humiliate her (or anyone) by not taking this ball that she was given to me. I didn’t do anything disrespectful to anyone at this particular moment. I do apologize, if this girl thinks that it was something towards her.’’

This apology is even worse. Now she’s saying what she did was not wrong or disrespectful. This is the exact opposite of taking ownership.

It would have been much better for her to simply say from the beginning: I screwed up. It doesn’t matter if I was losing or my emotions were high, I shouldn’t have acted that way towards the ball girl. I’m sorry.

The purpose of an apology is to recognize that you made a mistake, make amends with the other person, and eventually learn and grow from the experience.

Apologies lead to forgiveness and stronger bonds. But the way you do it matters, and doing it wrong can have the opposite outcome. Using apologies as a Get Out of Jail Free Card (which seems to be the way a lot of people use them) will lead to people not believing you and losing trust in what you say over the long term.

Even worse is not apologizing altogether. It affects your image, how people support you, and whether they trust you. You might still be able to move forward in your career without ever apologizing, but a very heavy anchor will be dragging you down every step of the way.

How to Leverage Your Behavior for Success

Was the incident with the ballgirl the single defining moment causing Putintseva to lose the match? Probably not, but it certainly didn’t help.

Such events might not be enough to cause make-or-break moments. But in the long term, your habits and behaviors will have an impact on your trajectory.

It doesn’t matter how famous or important you are. You could be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, A-List movie star, a parent or a classroom teacher. Never give into your anger. And certainly never take your anger out on others.

If you do, no one will listen to you, follow you or respect you. You’ll end up causing long term damage to your reputation, which will be very difficult to repair.

Instead, there are better ways to react to a loss. We can use Yulia Putintseva’s story as the example.

Acting appropriately in the moment

Putintseva, are you losing the match? Be extra kind and helpful to the ballgirl. Run up to her, take the balls directly from her hand. Ask her how she’s doing. Jokingly say ‘‘Ugh I’m so mad, I’m really behind right now’’. Give her a big smile. Say thank you. Shake her hand.

Notice how your mood will shift.

You’ll feel lighter on your feet.

Maybe, you’ll get the edge to win the match.

Apologizing in the right way

Putintseva, you didn’t have the capacity to react in the way described above? That’s fine, it’s very difficult in the moment. But if you messed up, you have to do something about it. You have to give a real apology.

So here’s one you can use:

‘‘I want to apologize to the ball girl for the way I was, when she was giving me the balls. No matter how pissed I was at myself, that I was filled with emotions or stuck in my thoughts, that’s absolutely not a reason to take out my frustrations on someone else. I was not focused on who was giving me the ball and unfortunately I took my anger out on you. I should have snapped out of it. You were doing an amazing job, as were all the ball kids, and I hope this doesn’t affect the way you do your job or how you see us players. I hope you can forgive my actions. I will try to do my best to react better next time.’’

Although an apology is a good start, what’s even better is an act of restitution. Words can be easy and cheap, but actions always have a stronger impact.

If possible, you could meet with the ballgirl in person. Maybe give her a signed ball from the match as a reminder that, ‘I screwed up with this ball, I hope neither of us forgets’. And even better, ask for the same ball girl to be present at the next match.

Who knows how acting in this way might influence your career?

If you (the reader and maybe even Yulia Putintseva) learn from these two points, I believe it will help your success in the long term.

Being kind and helpful to coworkers, friends, family in difficult times is what really makes the difference. You’ll cement yourself as a strong figure, worth listening to and following.

And if you do occasionally mess up, admit your mistake and own up to your actions. People will come to trust you more, believe when you tell the truth, and expect you to acknowledge when you fail. It will lead to greater success for you and everyone around you.

*In her second apology, Putintseva does end by saying she is ‘‘trying to make something special for [Kate].’’

Thanks very much for reading!

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