Our Thoughts Don’t Matter, Our Actions Do
Applying Sartre's philosophy of existentialism to everyday life
Recently I received an email from a former client. They claimed that I had not invoiced them for a service from about a year ago.
I was fairly certain this was not the case, as I remember this client specifically.
What followed was a re-fresher course on ignoring my initial thoughts, and choosing to act in the right way.
The Problem of Initial Reactions
When I received this email, I was a bit confused. For a moment I doubted myself. Am I misremembering? Did I actually not send them an invoice? First thing I checked was my bank transaction history. Yes, I had received the payment. Then I went through my emails. Yes again, I had a confirmation from the client. In fact, the confirmation was from the same person who wrote the new email.
Of course mistakes can happen, but I still felt a tad bit annoyed. Not just because it was the same person contacting me, but also that the email had a slight passive-aggressive tone.
‘‘You have not yet invoiced us from a year ago. Please do so promptly.’’
Why was I being put at fault when they should have double checked first? My initial reaction was to reply in the same tone, and the words started forming in my head...
‘‘I have already sent you the invoice from a year ago. Please check your files.’’
Thoughts, Actions & Existentialism
‘‘It’s what one does, and nothing else, that shows the stuff one's made of.’’
- Jean-Paul Sartre, No Exit
I always feel like a hypocrite when my mind reacts negatively.
Here I am, trying to write and teach others about behaving in better ways. And yet, I can’t react the way I think I should. But when that happens I always try to take a moment and remember that our thoughts don’t matter, our actions do.
This idea ties to Jean-Paul Sartre’s philosophy of existentialism, where he examined the notion that “existence precedes essence”. Sartre believed that humans do not have a predetermined nature (or essence), but instead they shape themselves through their choices and actions.
Sartre brought this idea to life in his existentialist play No Exit. One character (Garcin) argues that he is not a coward because that’s how he sees himself. The other (Inez) isn’t convinced, as she believes that it doesn’t matter what he thinks about himself, he is a coward because of his actions. Therefore, who you want to be is not who you think you are, but how you act.
With that in mind, I acted. Using ideas from my past articles about de-escalating a situation, and trying to be as helpful as possible, I wrote the following email:
Dear [Client],
Thank you very much for reaching out regarding the potential invoicing issue.
I couldn’t remember if I invoiced you or not, but I’ve double checked my files.
The invoice was submitted on [date], and I received a confirmation on [date]. I’ve included both of these files in the attachments. I can also confirm that the payment was successfully received in my account on [date].
Everything is OK on my end, but please feel free to reach out to me again if there’s anything else you need.
I really appreciate that you’re making sure I invoiced you properly. If I hadn’t done it a year ago, I would have definitely forgotten about it by now!
Kind regards,
Matthieu
We Win Every Time We Act in the Right Way
No matter the situation, it’s best to avoid acting impulsively. Instead, remain calm, give the other person the benefit of the doubt, be helpful and friendly. You might not always get the outcome you want, but you’ll set yourself up to succeed in the long term.
Reinforcing positive behavior. Regardless of the tone, the client was doing the right thing. Had I actually forgotten to invoice them, they could have let it slide and kept their money. They were making sure everyone got their due, and that should be rewarded. Doing so reduces the chances that the next person doesn’t have the same problem. And one day, you might be that next person.
Maintaining strong relationships. Even if you don’t see someone again, that should not be a reason to be rude. Replying to the email in the same tone would have escalated the situation. The client might have become defensive. Maybe they would avoid working with me again. They could spread the word that I’m bad for business. On the other hand, by maintaining a good relationship I’ll be increasing my chances for future work. Whether it’s with the same client, or by being referred to others.
Building good habits. If our goal is to improve ourselves, then that starts with improving our habits. Habits are developed through repetition. The more you practice de-escalation, being kind and forgiving, the easier it becomes. Until one day those behaviors become your default way of acting. One way to accomplish this is:
Before reacting to any situation, think of the person you want to be. If you want to treat people better, ask yourself “What would a kind or generous person do in this situation?”
Then, act accordingly. In Garcin’s case, although he wanted to be brave, that’s as far as he went. Your thoughts only count if you act on them.
It doesn’t cost much to put in a little extra effort and do the right thing. In the end, all it ‘cost’ me was 15 minutes of my time.
But the value I get from keeping positive relationships and building good habits is priceless.
Thanks very much for reading!
If you have any feedback, ideas, suggestions, things I can improve, anything at all, please let me know!
Heck, if there’s something I can help you with, I’ll try my best!
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See ya next time!
Matthieu