Fighting Fire With Water
Using compassion to get what you want and help people along the way
In 2023, a homeowner in the US decided enough was enough.
Time after time, the packages he received were being damaged or destroyed. Not knowing where things were going wrong, he started gathering footage from his doorbell camera.
In the video below, you can see driver after driver angrily throwing packages or aggressively stuffing them into the box on the front porch.
The reason why the video is surprising is not because of the delivery driver’s actions, but because of how the homeowner reacted. Like most viewers, he was angry at the situation, and you would expect him to retaliate. But instead he decided to do something different. He tried compassion.
In the end he got what he wanted: his packages delivered without a scratch.
What can we learn from his actions, to not only get what we want, but also help people along the way?
Instead of Retaliating, Fight Fire with Water. Literally.
‘‘I’ve been having issues with UPS throwing my packages. So I decided to go get some ice, get some water, get some crackers. Since it’s hot, they’re probably frustrated.’’
In the video, the homeowner (known as OrangeKing26) can be seen preparing water and snacks along with a thank you note on the lid of the cooler, which he then places outside on his front porch. As delivery drivers come and go, they take greater care handling the packages, and are surprisingly gentle with the snack box itself. A few even said thank you to doorbell camera.
Some people see this as a model of human kindness. Others, not so much. If you belong to the latter group you might be thinking: but isn’t this their job? You shouldn’t have to bribe them!
Look at it this way: have you ever been frustrated at your job and did things poorly? Maybe you didn’t throw your computer on the floor (hopefully), but I bet on several occasions you’ve pounded your hands down on your desk. I know I have.
Before we judge the delivery drivers in the video, let’s try to put ourselves in their shoes. Working for a delivery company is quite stressful. You have a tight schedule, with little time for breaks to drink or even use the bathroom (another news story brought to light how delivery drivers were resorting to peeing in water bottles due to their lack of break time). On top of all that, you’re getting in and out of a truck, carrying heavy boxes in hot weather.
Who wouldn’t feel frustrated?
If you were in that position, imagine what would turn your mood around? Surely a cold drink and a bit of appreciation wouldn’t hurt.
How does this approach help you or the homeowner? It all ties into the concept of ‘reciprocal altruism’: when an altruistic act now can lead to the repayment of an altruistic act in the future.
The idea here is that even if something isn’t your job, small actions can have big outcomes. In this case, a few bottles of water aren’t a huge effort on your part, but you might have made someone’s day better.
And most importantly, it will increase the chances that they will return the favor. Without even asking them to do so, you can get want you want. Most people will do the right thing, sometimes all they need is a subtle nudge.
Why You Should Always De-escalate
What if you want to complain to UPS, or ambush the driver next time they showed up. What would that achieve?
Short answer, it always makes things worse.
Let’s compare both scenarios to understand why.
The easiest option would be to complain to UPS directly. It’s quick, you don’t have to confront the driver directly, and they wouldn’t know it was you. Following your complaint, the driver might get a warning, a suspension or even fired. What does that accomplish? Most likely the driver is going to be even more bitter, and do their job worse.
Yes it’s a company’s duty to address such issues. It’s their role to train employees, to delicately handle and improve these situations. But it’s rarely ever done correctly. Most of the time, a company’s reaction is the same as yours: punishment. But all that does is create a loop:
You’re annoyed → You complain → Employee is punished → They do a worse job
Rinse and repeat.
On the other hand, you can confront the driver directly. Give them a piece of your mind. Now you’re fighting fire with fuel. The driver is already angry and frustrated (hence the package throwing), and adding your aggression to the mix will only be explosive. The more you argue, the more both of your will get in each other’s faces and things will spiral out of control. Ever wonder how people in those fighting videos on YouTube got there? This is how.
Aside from the confrontation, that person now knows who you are and where you live. There’s a saying that goes ‘‘Don’t piss off the person who handles your food’’, because if you do they might spit in it… In this case, if that driver is on your route again, maybe they’ll ‘forget’ your package, or it might be ‘mysteriously’ even more damaged.
How can we break out of this negative loop? What can we do to have a more effective outcome?
First of all, I generally wouldn’t recommend immediately going over someone’s head. Of course, there are clear situations (theft, assault, crime) where you should. But complaining to the manager rarely works.
If you want to or have to confront someone directly, key word is: de-escalation: reducing the severity of the situation.
Be friendly. Start off with a quick friendly conversation. A lot of public facing workers get mistreated, so being polite can help take the edge off.
Offer help. Ask if there’s anything you can help with. Offer a glass of water. Being helpful will intuitively allow the other person to understand your intentions.
Don’t accuse. If you immediately start pointing fingers, people tend to get defensive. Ask without accusing: ‘‘Do you know why/how the packages arrive damaged?’’ People are more likely to cooperate if they’re not the ones put on trial.
Be understanding. ‘‘I know it’s a hot day, but can I ask you for a favor?’’ Acknowledging someone’s difficulties and asking (rather than demanding) a change will make the other person more receptive to what you’re saying.
This approach might not always work. Some people are just mean and want to stay mean. You can’t do anything for that type of person anyways.
But sometimes it will work. When it does, you won’t get angry and neither will the person in front of you. They’ll also remember you as ‘that nice person’ and are more likely to be mindful the next time they come around.
Don’t React, Act
Fighting back is easy. It’s one of our 3 basic primal responses, Fight, Flight or Freeze.
However, resisting the urge to fight is what’s hard. That’s why it’s so important and rewarding.
What’s a better way to handle a difficult situation with another person?
Rather than reacting (with fighting), act (with compassion).
Delivery driver throwing packages?
React – Call UPS or berate the driver
Act – Leave bottles of cold water and be friendly
Server at restaurant brings you the wrong food?
React – Call them incompetent and threaten to not leave a tip
Act – Politely say: ‘‘I know you must be swamped, but this isn’t what I ordered’’
(This might be considered odd, but I also clear the table and stack my plates neatly on top of each other so the server can easily take them away)
Neighborhood kids riding their bikes on your driveway?
React – Put up fence or call their parents
Act – Draw chalk racetrack to divert them
You might eventually get your way by being forceful, but it will suck the energy out of you and everyone around you.
The much better approach is to take the extra step, even when it’s not your responsibility. Being a good person (and a good leader) is about keeping calm and doing the right thing, which is exactly what the homeowner in the video does. He’s taking the harder route, by being compassionate and helpful.
The result?
He gets the outcome he’s looking for, without telling anyone what to do, while helping the people around him.
Thanks very much for reading!
If you have any feedback, ideas, suggestions, things I can improve, anything at all, please let me know!
Heck, if there’s something I can help you with, I’ll try my best!
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See ya next time!
Matthieu